When Depression Takes Over

Well hello there!

If you've been reading these past couple of posts I've been doing, you'll probably notice that my tone hasn't been the same. I've been more distant and way less cheerful than in my previous posts. I also said I wouldn't be posting as much, but I've realized how much of a release writing is to me.

I've discussed my mental state before in many previous blog posts but I don't think it's really come across as what it is. I've been experiencing a much heavier onslaught of emotions and thoughts within the past couple of months. I think it's best if I'm really honest and share with you what's been happening, because I don't want to just be some random person on the internet with whom you feel no connection to.

My brain, I don't think, has ever been chemically balanced. I feel as though this is the reason that sad or upsetting factors affect me a lot more and for a lot longer than most people. I have never actually been tested and/or diagnosed with depression, but by my thoughts and feelings, I know that I have it.

There's times in my life where I'm filled with extreme euphoria and feel as though everything is looking up. Then, one small thing leads to more small things and then eventually big things, and it feels as though my world is crumbling all around me. When this happens, I don't care to pick the pieces back up and put them together.

I like to wallow in my sorrow and sad times, because I find it much easier to allow the sadness to overcome me than to try to break the wall down and let in happiness. Obviously it's the worst thing I could do, but I just don't care.

There's times in my life where my depression gets to be too much and I would prefer to just not be here anymore. I used to get these feelings when I was in my early teens, but I realize now that I didn't know what it actually felt like then to just give up. I get them a lot more now.

I spend a lot of time laying in bed listening to sad music because it seems to soothe me. It puts me in this state of melancholy; I'm not at the point where I want to be gone, but I'm not at the point where I'm happy to be alive. I just am. That's it. Am.

Right now, that's where I am. I'm at the point of giving up.

Reading this you might be wondering why or how but I can't answer those. Not because I won't, but because I don't fully know why. It's just a snowball effect of things that have happened and it's shattered the little bit of happiness I had not too long ago.

I talked about my "funks" and how I'm just sad, but this isn't one.

There will be a time again where I am content with how my life is going. I don't know when that will be or how it will happen, but it will...eventually. 

My friends try to help, but I know they're going through things too. I try to help them, but I think we all have a mutual understanding about our mental states right now. There's times when we actually do help each other; I think they help me more than I help them. I appreciate it more than they know.

I didn't write this for you to feel bad for me, or to get you to try and help me. I don't want that. Right now it's best if I deal with things by myself. 

I wrote this so that people out there can understand that they are not alone. I know I'm not alone, but I want others to know that too.

I'm not okay, but that's okay. It's okay to not be okay.

-MacKenzie

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