Happy Happy Happy

Well hello there!

I used to write these things where I would just talk about how I was feeling so down. I would do it to better myself and to get it off my chest while letting people know they weren't alone in how they're feeling. I was always extremely honest in how I was feeling when I wrote whether people would believe me or not. Often in those times I would feel as though my presence wasn't needed and as though my problems would be solved by removing myself. But this is not one of those.

This is the opposite.

I've never liked the holidays as everyone seems so cheerful and too happy for me. It wasn't until this year that I became one of those people. And it wasn't until the holiday season approached that I realized that I was no longer depressed. It came out of nowhere that I was able to acknowledge that I wasn't sad nor was I stressed nor was I feeling as though I didn't deserve to live. I actually felt/feel happy. I haven't been in a very long time so it took me by extreme surprise but it just added to my newfound outlook.

I think this all happened because I stopped living for everyone else. I stopped trying to please everyone, especially those that didn't matter. I stopped listening to what people had to say about my life because they didn't know what was happening in my head. I stopped relying on others to decide the fate of my day. I stopped worrying that all of these things were passing me by and I couldn't grab onto them. I stopped living in the past while trying to decide my future. I just started living for me in the present moment.

What was I feeling right now? If it wasn't happy, what did I have to do to make myself happy? What did I want to accomplish today? Did I accomplish it? If not, why not? Was I doing things strictly because I wanted to?

I started to ask myself these questions with every thing going on. I focused on me for once. I figured my current self out. Future me will figure herself out when she gets there. Past me is unchangeable and she has made current me who I am. Current me is living for the exact moment she is in.

Now don't get ahead of me here and think that I've become egotistical and think everything is about me. It's not. 

I still help people. Strangers, friends, coworkers, customers, family. Whatever they need help with I help them. If they need advice, cool tell me your problems. If they need a favour, cool I'll do what I can. If they need someone to listen, cool let me take my headphones out first. If they need money, well good luck with that I'll search your couch cushions with ya. But that's who I am.

I focus on my feelings and what needs to be done today. But I can and will always recalculate my day to help someone. Because as I said, that's who I am.

So right now, I am happy. I am happy with what I'm doing. I am happy that I have no plans for the future. I am happy that I am choosing to listen to myself. I am happy that I am loved by the many people that love me. I am thankful for those that have been by my side since day one or even the last day. I am thankful and happy. And that's all I ever want to be. Well, those, and kind, and helpful, and... You get the point.

What do you want to be?
-MacKenzie

If you want to follow me and my happy self on social media, here are the links:

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